Most of us know about the various things that turn on our partners and the small bloopers that put them off. While enough has been said about Ten things you should never say in bed! (Getty Images)
how to build the mood for a steamy pleasure session, you probably don't know about things that could spoil the pleasure once you are in the action.
Apart from your annoying bedroom habits, extreme intimate gestures, wrong sexual positions, disliked physical attributes; there are certain unintentional things, which, if said at the wrong time, can act as libido killers. It's evident that while having sex, there are several things on a couple's mind but the issue creeps up when couples let these things come in way of those most cherished moments and thus end up killing the passion.
It is rightly said that sex is the art of love and it must be done in the most enjoyable and most satisfying manner. To enjoy this intimate and private activity, couples shall let go of all their apprehensions, fears and insecurities. But unfortunately, the looming anxieties find their ways into our bedroom lives.
Dr. Suneel Vatsyayan, relationship counselor asserts, "Sex is to be enjoyed in the present and if any partner thinks about impending things from past or future, it would act as disruption. Saying anything outside your bedroom conversations will become a deviation. Your partner might feel offended and unloved. Understand the fact that your partner will not accept anything outside your intimacy, to enter your isolated sexual moments, and hence such intrusion is highly opposed."
Top 10 things that couples must avoid saying in bed:
Are you enjoying?
This is the most common and the worst of all situations that couples come across. Though it's good to be communicative with your partner about things that are enjoyed or disliked in bed but that doesn't mean you start interrupting in between the act thus killing the heating passion.
Sex and relationship expert, Dr. Amita Mishra says, "Asking your partner again and again to evaluate your performance and speak out their pleasure level might just leave them irked and it is a symptom of performance anxiety where you are more concerned about how the act is progressing and less focused on the pleasure quotient. You maybe either too probing whether your partner is enjoying or too anxious whether you're able to give satisfactory amount of pleasure."
Are you through darling?
Again, this is a repetitive mistake that most couples would make in bed. Sex is something you should enjoy not obligate, so treat it like a necessity of life not a duty that has to be fulfilled each time you get intimate. "If you keep interrogating your partner on whether they're 'through' with the act might sound like you're no more interested in the act and waiting for it to get over soon. It also makes your partner feels apprehensive if the sexual act is becoming a burden on you, so try and avoid being too inquisitive rather let your partner also enjoy the act as much as you did," suggests Ranjan Malik, a clinical psychiatrist.
Shall we turn off the lights?
Of course, you aren't making out in public, so how does it make a difference if lights are switched off or not. Many a times, a partner would suddenly disrupt in between a steamy sex session only to ask that whether they should now turn off the lights, without realising that it might just delay their partner's smooth act towards the peak point.
"Many couples are hesitant and don't want to undress in front of their present with lights on, so they insist on going in the dark and enjoy the act. But such things should not become a hindrance during sex. If you're uncomfortable having sex with lights on, discuss it with your partner before you slip between the sheets, leaving no chance of disturbing them in between the pleasure," says body language expert Geeta Kanan.
I think I forgot to take the pill
You can't expect anything better out of women. No matter how much they're charged for a pleasurable night, they can't get rid of the disturbing reminders about the contraceptive pill. Imagine your partner is about to reach the climax and you abruptly get up saying that 'you forgot to take the pill'. Indeed a turn off!
Gynecologist Meenu Aggarwal states, "As women want to avoid unwanted pregnancy, they remain bothered about their contraceptive pills and with these thoughts hanging on their mind all the time, they do not enjoy the sexual act as much as the male partner would expect. We suggest our patients to be extra careful to take the pill at the right time thus avoiding any chance of these tensions come in way of their pleasure."
You're far better than my ex
Comparison can sometimes be the most offensive gesture you can show to your partner and if that happens in the bed, tables can really turn around. Males often find themselves in a fix where they end up comparing their present bedroom partner either with his ex or someone he fantasises about, without realising what harm it can do to his relation. Kanav Gupta, (34) a software engineer by profession shares, "I broke up with my girlfriend after a seven year long relationship and we indulged physically a few times. But now when I am married, I still haven't been able to forget my past. Many a times, while having sex with my wife, I have uttered my ex's name and I can understand how disturbing it gets."
Dr. Kamal Khurana a relation counselor suggests, "While in bed, couples shall think of their quality time meant for uninterrupted comfort. Nothing said is unintentional, it comes only because it's there somewhere in your mind. No wife or girlfriend would accept his man thinking about another woman and moreover expressing it while making love. Try and think more about your current partner and thus leaving no space for your past relations to obstruct your sexual life."
You must hit the gym soon
Apart from the bedroom anxieties, there are several things that keep hovering couples' mind and act as wreckers in their sexual life. It's good to comment your partner about their physical attributes but there has to be a right tie for it. Pointing your wife's weight gain and suggesting her to hit the gym next morning can be good but doing this while having sex can act as the deadliest wrecker.
"Such expressions reflect your sheer concern or disliking towards your partner's body issues, which ideally shouldn't cause a trouble in your sexual life. Many individuals are particular about their partner's weight, body hair, bulging belly etc and commenting on these attributes while having sex may make your partner feel snubbed. It also shows how unenthusiastically you're involved in the act of love and instead concentrating on other areas," adds Geeta.
Office was pretty hectic today
When boardroom stress descends to the bedroom, it is sure to cause doldrums in sexual pleasure. While the man would always have office dilemmas on his mind, but the issue comes in when he unexpectedly expresses it out while having sex and pollutes the romantic mood.
Dr. Khurana elucidates, "There are so many stress issues in a person's life and if any area gets disturbed, it will have a bearing on other verticals as well. For instance, the current financial crisis is causing turmoil in working professional's life and if these office worries are taken to the bedroom, they will surely cause hitches in a couple's sexual life. But they need to understand that a cut in salary doesn't mean a cut in their love and romance. It's good to share things with your partner and expect them to stand beside you but discounting on your sexual pleasure for this can't be a wise thing."
What's in breakfast tomorrow?
It's not bad to be a foodie but not so much so that you have only food on your mind all the time, even while having sex. Though couples would love to experiment with aphrodisiacs before or during sex but imagine if your partner is too keen on knowing the morning breakfast menu and that too while you're intimate – it can't get worse. "Expressing these subconscious thoughts suggests that either you're too hungry for food at the moment or you're least interested in the act and are planning for the next day. Be it men or women intending to discuss the breakfast menu in bed, it will only irritate the other partner, who was expecting some happy sex moments sans routine conversations."
How are kids doing in school?
Caring for kids, is a lovely gesture but expressing it at the wrong time, for instance while having sex with your partner, can do more harm than good. Showing this family concern during the cosy moments in bed would only let your partner feel your reluctance in sex and thus you end up killing the passion. "My wife always complains that I do not participate much in kids' upbringing but the depressing part is that I often end up asking about kids while I am in bed with my partner. I hardly get time during office hours or otherwise to know what going with kids, and when I discuss this in the bedroom, my wife thinks I'm trying to avoid her."
Dr. Amita explains, "Though this is a very petty area on which a couple can actually end up fighting or killing their pleasure but if this is the case, it has to be understood that your partner needs undivided attention in bed. Even talking of kids, at a time which is meant for pleaser, can make them feel abandoned. So, try and talk out these things over dinner or a phone cal during the day but reserve the bedroom moments exclusively for your partner."
Have you paid the pending bills?
Agreed that household tensions can't be done away with but they surely can wait outside the bedroom. Some partners do have a tendency to get full report of monthly household expenses but such things can be well discussed at dinner table, why let them invade your comfort moments and disrupt the bedroom life.
Dr. Malik reasons, "Men are always worried about these impending household expenses but they fail to prioritise their concerns. Asking or mentioning such things while having sex would of course be a turn off for the other partner, so the only way to deal with it could be a prolonged foreplay so that you only concentrate on the pleasure act and leave all other tensions outside the bedroom."